Jolly Viking, part 9


Finland, near Helsinki, armored vehicle 1402 zulu

Finnish president Sauli Niinistö was sitting uncomfortable inside Finnish AMV with two fully geared military police, two body guards and his adjutant and secretary. They were heading to Finnish Army HQ’s but they were going slow, traffic was jammed and it was already dark. They had gas masks ready on their seats, the adjutant was checking radiation meters, AMV’s high pressure system, his side arm and ipad. They could hear from the radio that people were told to stay inside and that radiation is moving slowly towards west from Lovisa and that another dangerous are is spotted 10km from Helsinki to east. Secretary took her phone and started to call his friends about the radiation.

-Bloody hell, that’s classified information secretary! Shut the fuck up!

-But president that was on the radio…

-Yes, radio. Military radio! This is military now!

-Sir, it was public radio. But yes, this is military vehicle. I apologize. Sir.

Secretary and president looked each others like two cats ready to cause a mayhem but secretary was wise enough to cool down and started to send text messages instead.

-Adjutant Mäkinen, nothing new on that pad?

-Sir president, the cloud is small but it has many elements, strontium, uranium, americium, barium and some other minor elements. It looks like human made, no nuclear plant has that kinda cocktail in their arsenals. Meaning that this is not an accident.


-Well… what do you think Mr president?

-I need facts, I can’t guess things!

-We can’t approach the contaminated areas for weeks, internet is full of speculations and rumors, media is guessing all the time, they like to look professional…

-Professional? How about our Army? Looks very professional, takes me at gunpoint and blame me for Russia annexing Åland. Then says what the hell we have to do. I got this. But they bloody hell game and fucked things up. And my government is like kindergarten…

-Yes sir. Indeed sir.

-And you knew this all the time Mäkinen perkele, didn’t you?

-No sir. I have not a single clue.

-Fuck you. You are all the same. They betrayed Kekkonen also in 70’s. I know this shit.

Then he saw one of the armed soldiers looking at him and holding his MP5 little bit tighter. He opened his mouth to say something but went silent, coughed and started to stare out of the tiny window to the cold night that was coming… and an awkward horrible silent flew in that AMV from that window, like a black doubled headed bird made out of frozen oil… or something really fucking cold. The engine was roaring when the driver turned his 8X8 of from the road to go around traffic jam. Then the AMV turned back to main road and the tires were humming against the road. Then suddenly president Niinistö’s phone rang. Or it started to play Russia’s National Anthem…

-Bloody Hell, that’s Vladimir’s number! Where the hell is my phone, I need to…

-Sir, in your left pocket inside the jacket.

-Oh yes, here… everyone shut up, this is important… Hello, hello… this is Sauli… is this you, Vladimir? Putin, president of Russia? …I am so glad to hear your voice, Vladimirovitsh, you are for God’s sake alive!… what, little bit bad connection here… we are in a tank. What? Invading Russia? No no no, dear Vladimir we have totally different information here in Finland… what.. it was sarcasm? I got it ha ha ha… you are funny as always… in hospital? Yes I heard about the explosion. No, it was not my job. You arrested Finns doing it? Well, you know that they were guys working for you remember? …double agents? Dear Vladimir, you know we don’t do stuff like that. We are honest people. We have no secrets. Unlike others… no no, I trust you, believe me I was meaning like some some… umh… other countries u know ha ha ha… Yes. Sarcasm. So what is this that you have Army on my border and Shoigu is u now, I mean president? …can’t talk too long? In pain, okay say fast then, what? A coup? Military coup at Kremlin and you are in a secret hospital complex protected by your loyal guys? Oh my good that is terrible, I can feel you bro, I can feel you… no, not the pain. Good morphine? That is good, they will heal you. So you have no power in Russia, I mean command of the Army? You have? How? Shoigu is your guy?! You knew this was coming? Oh I am glad to hear that! So you are not going to attack Finland? …what do you mean depends… of what?! oh sarcasm…ha ha ha…harashoo Vlad, so you will call them of and we can also call our troops of? We don’t have troops… don’t say that, we have a lot of troops! We have like… okay, you got me, we have not so much troops… we have great hockey? Yes Vlad, good hockey. Peace hockey. So, when Shoigu is pulling of troops? Right now? Already? And Åland? That also? Wonderful! Can I say this to media? Not now? Ah, understand, security. Okay, you need rest, can I call you… understand da harashoo, you contact me. Well, Get well soon! Glad this is getting resolved! Dasvidanja Vladimir, dasvidanja!

-Did you hear that, did you fucking hear that!? This is going to end well, I’m going to handle this from now on. Driver! get to the HQ’s and drive like Räikkönen!

-Yes sir!


Finnish Army HQ, secret command bunker, near Helsinki 1452 zulu.

General Kaski was giving the latest situation report for his staff. Three screens were showing the activities over Finland, Baltic Sea and West Russia. People looked pale and shaky. This was the first time since 1940’s that Finland was really in war. War. That’s what the military said, and they were right. They didn’t use political jargon when discussing about matters, their thinking based on facts, not gaining popularity or voters.

-We have linked our radar data base to Swedish one and Norway is feeding us data also. NATO is feeding Sweden so we have valuable stuff from there too. As you can see, Baltic Sea is filed with Russian stuff. They have 70% of their Baltic Fleet north of Gotland. One sub and destroyer is heading to Danish Straits. Our sea routes are blocked, we can use only the coast line, don’t want to give them easy targets. We use our radars just in surveillance mode at the moment, Russian Air Force hasn’t cross our borders except in Åland. But they have done multiple false attacks and pulled their aircraft just before the border away. They want us to reveal our radars with that stuff. We believe that the radioactive attack was done by some GRU special operations, possible cruise missile or drone stuff. Or land based units. Lovisa Nuclear plant is now evacuated and is in safe mode. It should keep itself cool but there is some volunteers from the workers holding the controls, hope they last long enough. The other nuclear cloud is not big and is not heading anymore to Helsinki. But people are in panic and we need to arrange evacuations. Russia is flying heavily at the Baltic Sea, they are still feeding Marienhamn with constant transport activity and also new report that they might have the S-400 already there hot and ready. Sweden has been tracking 4 Ropucha class transport ships and said that they possibly are carrying Iskanders. They are checking the possibility of nuclear versions of those…

-Sir, president Niinistö is on his way, 5 minutes and he is here.

-Thank you captain.

-Also this just came in…

-Show me… Russian helicopters spotted over the border, heading to Lappeenranta, Finnish Air Force markings. Do we have Mi-24’s, repeat Do we have Mi-24 Hinds? …what’s this? Where did this came from?

-Sir, from border guards at Nuijamaa. They were flying low, they didn’t open fire when they saw our markings. The Hind’s didn’t also shoot. They counted 13 plus copters.

-Bloody hell, Air Force, do we have something that you forget to tell?

-No, we don’t have any of those. We have some old Mi-8’s but they are at Utti now. And we are not flying on that area right now.

-Fuck. This is it. They are dropping recon and first groups inside. Lappeenranta… yes, the canal. They want take that under control. Alert Lappeenranta units and rush to the canal! Take all you got and tell border to empty the main road, lay mines and prepare first defense. They will send land troops ASAP to get through. And get counter battery radars ready, they might use them also! Do we have any ready artillery there? One battery of 122mm? Useless. Load anti-tank and stingers, hit them from side. Colonel, we have a plan for this, do we? It’s some where on the file D… General Stunnberg, what do you think?

-Let’s wait that it will be confirmed. What if they just poke in and test, turn around and monitor our reaction? No shots fired yet?

-Yes, they might be aliens or something… General, may we still go on this? I mean…

-Sir, our radars have managed to ping also low level helo’s on both sides of the channel, possibly Ka’s. And over Svetogorsk, heading to Imatra.

-Yes, Russian aliens… General Kaski, order counter measures. Open fire, do what you have to do.

-HQ’s, we are now in state of war. Battle-stations, prepare your troops or what you have…

-Wait wait wait! I’m the President! I order you to stop!

President Niinistö rushed into the HQ’s with his crew. All stopped, some tried to make a salute, some one dropped a coffee mug.

-I have spoken to Russian president Mr Putin. He has promised peace. He has ordered his troops to retreat.

-But… but sir, Russia is attacking us right now, they have crossed the border with three helo groups!

-Are you sure? Show me.

-Here, look these reports! They are using our markings, flying low, heading to Saimaa channel, that’s…

-Our markings? Could it be a mistake? Our own helicopters? Have they shoot?

-No, they haven’t shoot. But…

-Shut up now General Kaski. I have just a phone conversation with legal president of Russia, Mr Putin. My staff can confirm, they all hear it. We promised to not start war.

-Sir, if I may remind you, you are not the head of the Army, General Stunnberg is.

-No, but I am head of this country and I negotiate with other presidents. I order you to stop hostilities. Now.

Generals Stunnberg looked adjutant Mäkinen who node that Sauli was speaking truth.

-Alright, I order you all stop. I repeat, don’t do anything, wait for orders! Now mr president, if you may, we would like to have some more proof, did you record the phone call? Can we hear that?

-It is confidential, for security reasons. But yes, I record all my phone-calls. But you may not hear it.

-But your staff heard it, colonel Mäkinen, can you confirm?

-Yes, sir General, I heard the presidents part and it is solid.

-So Putin isn’t dead? And Shoigu isn’t the president of Russia? Shouldn’t you be speaking to Shoigu instead?

-Sir, another report of Russian helo’s!

-Not now, just track them.

-Generals, the thing is that Russia is under Putin’s control. He is the legal leader of that country. He called me from hospital. He wanted to prevent this and gave his word.

-So how do you explain these helicopters my president?

-Maybe it’s just mistake. They haven’t shoot? So they are just taking a look that we are not massing Army to the border?

-Sir, we barely have troops to defend Helsinki, we have only handful of men at the border…

-Like I said, we have Putin’s word. Some spilling might happen but we must make sure that we won’t drift into war. We can’t negotiate about Åland situation in war.

-But president, what about the radiation attacks? That was clearly some Russian work…

-We don’t know yet. Terrorists are every where.

-Did Putin told you that also?

-You getting smart with me General? Okay, I’ll play you all a small part of the phone call with mr Putin. Just a second… secretary, can you please… thank you… just from the start…

”Allo, is Sauli there? The Finnish president? Kak? Can’t hear you?… what, in a tank? Attacking us?… no no, it was joke. Pasahlsta. Listen… I’m in hospital…yes, bomb…”

-…thank you secretary, that’s enough.

-Sir, we can’t prevent civilians from shooting those Russian copters.

-Then I need to speak in the radio. And you can give orders on television. Internet is working also, isn’t it?

-Yes it is.

-Good, you see that Russia can’t be behind everything if our internet is working too.

-Sir. There is a protocol that needs to be used in situations like this.

-Protocol? I am the protocol! Enough with that nonsense!

-Sir I mean that we verify the number and check that he has given the order to some one else and media. It must be public, otherwise it is useless.

-Look, situation in Russia is at the moment more against… well, let’s say like this, he can’t go public, he is under treatment and medications. He is wounded. We can go public and we must to give the right signal that we did not attack Putin with a bomb. Starting hostilities will just make us look more the bad guy.

-We… the bad guy? Mr president….

-It gives us the upper hand in negotiations. World will see that we are for peace. We can still avoid this war.

-Are you saying that we let Russia invade the whole country and then we start negotiating for peace Mr president?

-No! I’m saying we prevent them invading and then negotiate!

-Sir, you should see this, here’s a video of our troops securing the gates of the channel in Lappeenranta. It’s on youtube.

-Let’s see… bloody fast work! Good job from our guys! Send them message… hold positions, be aware of possible helicopters on the area, good job.

6th Army operational HQ’s, Russia Vyborg 1507 zulu

-General-Major Kuralenko, we have message ”Koroljev has the butter”.

-Excellent, any incidents?

-Not so far, looks like the bluff went through.

-Ha ha ha… you see, they are slow. Besides we… oh, nothing. Forget that. Good job from Koroljev. Now send the special regiments and the VDV train. Oh wait, let Vladimir call first… Vladimir! Davai davai!

Funny looking guy with civilian clothing ran to Kuralenko. He had smirk smile.

-Yes General?

-Now call president Niinistö again and say that you want to let some trapped Finnish people come over the border, that they will come with the Finnish passenger train at Vainikkala and some evacuated Finn’s which will come by your military trucks. Say that they are evacuated because some Russians have threatened them with violence. Remember the Svetogorsk point also.

-Da General, ja Vladimir Vladimirovitsh Putin… allo, allo… testing… adin, dva…

-Go do it somewhere… well, you know, you are in hospital you remember?

-Da da… ja snaju…

He left and was walking like Putin, hand in one pocket and training his imitation on the way.

-Call the staff. We are going in. Time for orders.


Colonel took a whistle from his pocket and blow three times. People came in quick march and gathered in front of the huge maps at the bunker. Colonel  took his war face…

-Head Quarters… smirna! General-Major Kuralenko, 6th Guards Combined Arms Army Head Quarters ready for your orders, sir!

-Polna. The time has come. President Shoigu has given me orders to cross the Finnish border. Our first groups are inside and without any casualties. In few minutes our first special regiments go over at Nuijamaa and Svetogorsk. We don’t expect heavy resistance, if not at all. Remember, we are polite people…

All started to laugh…

-…yes, very polite, we are going there to secure peace. To save Finns from the Fascist coup and prevent a war between them and us. Remember that. Avoid civilian casualties. Let them shoot first. We might took some hits, also heavy ones. But that is war. And those hits make us stronger. We make them pay of course. They were after all trying to sneak into NATO just like the Swedish bastards. But they will be peace drilled also. We have some slight changes, colonel will tell them to you after this. We hit them with few Iskanders on the rear, show them that resistance is futile. Also our Air Force will do heavy patrol flights over the cities, let them feel fear. If everything goes by the plan, in the morning we are at Kymijoki. Our intel reports that Finnish Army has managed to get up only few battalions, but be careful, there is some special troops here and there, they might try some guerrilla stuff. Try to take them as prisoners, if not, just wipe them out. Now what comes to the…

Luga Russia, 300km from Helsinki, 1505 zulu.

General-Major Larimov was standing over a map. He was pointing 16 circles over south Finland to his commanding officers.

-Here are our targets. 8 targets will get two missiles, they are marked with double circles. Hit these as soon as your launchers are ready. After launching, move to next launch positions, re-loaders are there. They are very well camouflaged. We have also two other launch positions if things get busy. The other missile brigades will hit later. Air Defense is fully alerted all the time. Launch coordinates have been send to your launchers. Any questions?

-No sir!

-Alright, this is it. Davai, let’s do some rockenroll. Battle stations!

Larimov light a cigarette and sit down to a wooden ammo box and started to listen the radio traffic that increased like hell. ”Suka bljat, have mercy on our poor souls…” he thought and hold the lighter in his sweaty palm…


…to be continued…

… – – – …

This is fiction, raw text… fiction with some bloody facts…






Jolly Viking, part 9

4 kommenttia artikkeliin ”Jolly Viking, part 9

  1. Panamahattu 99 sanoo:

    Does Finnish president really have that much power? That is seriously speaking way too much?! He also in reality controls alone Russia policy? That is your weak spot there.

    Liked by 1 henkilö


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