Welcome back to G8 Mr. Putin.

 

Leaked report from Vikingcat osint group for media December 12th 2019. Internet went berserk that day…

nordenpincer348

Secret Service agent was pushing hard trough the thigh deep snow. Far on the ice was a ring of fur coated G8 leaders ice fishing and laughing hilariously to Vlad’s joke about a donkey he hired for his media adviser. Marie Le Pen was so drunk that she felt on her caviar bowl but she never stopped laughing. Oh those French, good at wine but bad at vodka…

Heavily breathing agent finally got to POTUS Trump and whispered to him ”Sir, we might have a problem.” and gave him an tab where was the picture from Vikingcat’s website. ”Problem? Has Sarah attacked Canada?” said Trump and the G8 crew started to laugh again hysterically. ”It was a brilliant idea to mix cocaine to that Vlad’s stinky caviar or what!?” Trump yelled and the laughing turned into some kinda mixture of wolf pack howling and Juggalo summer festival.

”Seriously, sir, this is spreading on the media like hell. It shows that Russia is attacking Sweden and Finland and surrounding Norway. It was on BBC 30 minutes ago.” British prime minister Corbyn heard that and said ”Maybe I should hire a donkey to run BBC too…”  Putin looked at him with his best honey potting KGB face and said ”I have taken care of that already my love…” and this time it was Angela Merkel’s time to dip into the caviar bowl. But she didn’t laugh, she snored. Jet lag and old people…

President Trump handed the tab to Vladimir and said ”So, this is your donkey’s work?” Vlad lifted his hand in the air and his bodyguard gave him a revolver. ”No idiotsky, glasses, we njet Kreml now” He looked at the picture, smiled and handed it back to Trump ”Yes, my donkey’s a very good trollings. Nothing serious, just same bullshit when the airplane was blown by Nazies in the Ukraine, blame Putin. Always blame Putin…” and then he start blubbering. Trump tapped on his shoulder and said ”Oh Vladitsh Putinsk, we have all been there, now c’moon, we all know what it is when you’ve been accused of being a liar, gay or muslim lover… when you are not…” and he looked at everyone else and the silence was almost perfect except the Merkel’s snoring ”…or shooting down planes when you are just golfing with naked Miss Universe…” Vladimir mumbled through the tears ”Da, I remember that… and when Crimea ran back to Mama Rossiya from the evil Hitlers who wanted to rape her… they blame me, not Hitler! It’s so wronks!” and he started to cry even louder. Angela woke from the caviar bowl ”Jawohl, est some heil shit dis caviar, mein Gott I can walk!” Japan prime minister blushed like a schoolboy.

EU president Junckner’s phone rang. He stood up embarrassed and answered ”Yes… it’s me. What now? Better be important, we have a situation here. No no, Vladimir is crying. And Germany is snorting caviar… was? Russia is attacking Europe? Again?… Finland? Sweden? Yes, we know. That’s why he is crying… Putain! Was? No, Marie le Putain, Putin is crying… for fucks sake! And le Donald is giving him a power hug. Looks still not in balance… nooo, I didn’t say it’s a gay thing, it’s just two men hugging and crying… maybe little french ass kissing… oh, merde, Marie and Angie are now…now… I’ll call you back.” He hang up, watched the G8 group turning from ecstatic to a bunch of lost cows in hangover. He felt that this is his moment.

”Gentelmans and Ladies. And Marie.” He put his hand between the second and third button. ”I just received a phone call from NATO Headquarters in Bruxelles. They confirm that Vikingcat’s information. It is from one of their workers facebook page. Some old General has bad computer skills…” POTUS Trump took the tablet, looked at the Secret Service agent who started to whisper him what the symbols meant. EU President Junckner continued ”…now it is not time to find who is responsible for this information leak. It will come, but later. Now we must demand an answer from mister Putin, that are you attacking Finland and Sweden? I think this is a reasonable demand and I think I am speaking for all of us. Or does any one oppose this question?” Vladimir sucked his thumb and raised his hand. Marie Le Pen raised hers and shouted ”Heil mein Funder!”. Italian prime minister suddenly needed to get to the toilet and Jeremy Corbyn took a long hard hit of vodka bottle trying to look like he was raising his arm but he felt on his back. Canadian Trudeau was stunned and went white on his face. Frau Merkel felt asleep again. Japan prime minister sprang up and yelled like a samurai ”Whaaaat! Are Hruskiiieees attacking Moomins!? Banzai muthafoker! You so dead, Putain! Soooon!”

Putin stopped sucking his thump. He lifted his hand in the air, his bodyguard gave him the revolver and Vlad shot two times at the Japanese prime minister in the chest. ”Double seppuku, njet my fault” he said. ”There is no reason for anyone get mad now. I can explain. Dis is not me attacking, dis is me protecting.” he continued. ”Now look at the map on dis elektronic newspaper or tablet carefully. There is dis green unit you see in North. You see? Look, it is not Russkies. It is not me. It is Finland Army regiment dat is attacking Norway. Me come to help you, NATO countires of dis blatant and brutal sneak attacking. We also come to liberate Sweden from evil Finnskies. Smelly Tsuhnas we call dem in home.” The tab was going around the circle and every one was pointing that green unit and nodding little bit. Vlad continued ”…besides they are not NATO countries. They have been secretly planning dis long ago, I have 100% reliable secret information from wikileaks dat dis is true, Sweden and Finland want to become a super Viking Nazi power with nuklear devastation and take over Polar bears and kill dem for oil and lust. Think those poor bear cubs when this evilness spreads to the white pure snow of North Pole, paintings swastikas with their blood to the last remaining virgin ice…” Secret Service agent lifted his sun glasses and rolled his eyes ”But with all respect, and sorry mister President, our information tells that those green units are Finns trying to desperately retreat to Norway cause they are trapped. They have a deal with Norway on that…” POTUS Trump lifted his finger to silence his agent ”Let’s give poor Vlad a change to speak his mind, shall we?” The agent stand firm and put his glasses back. Marie Le Pen sobered on the ice crying ”Poor bear babies… Merde Vikings, betrayal!”

Putin gave the revolver back to his bodyguard who shot the Secret Service agent. ”Fucking intellectuals, next I hire a donkey too.” Trump said ”…but next time use a silencer, my ears… man!” That kinda eased the tensions little bit and Putin hit to that spot ”Did you people know that Finland send over 1 million Army letters to their male populations? Yes, they did that 2015 to call up a Million stronks Army. And for what? They didn’t want to go to NATO. Maybes they want to attack someones? Think if Mexico builds that? Or Muslims? Besides Finns have attacked Mama Rossiya snekly many times in history. We are peace with NATO. But these unreliable non NATO countries are threat not to only Mother Russia but also to NATO. Think about that! ”Damn Irish Terrorists!” yelled Corbyn from the snow pit and hit the bottle again. ”Exactly Jeremyns! You are seeing dis clearly!” Putin stood up and continued ”Now I’m not only crushing evil conspiracy of Finno-Swedish terrorist alliance pact, you didn’t know that? Yes, they were makings alliance, but I’m also savings NATO from dis uncertainty, dis geopolitical black hole of Baltics Seas. I am also savings my country from collapse and you know what that can be, no oil, no gas, only nuclear weapons every wheres with crazy uzbekistanis mafia hands. Borat with nukes in America! Tinks dis!”

Somewhere on the distance a new Secret Service agent was pushing through the thigh high snow like a moose…

”Well Vlad, you have some good points there. Who the hell know what the Swedes and Finns are planning, does anyone here understand any of their language? I mean, their Foreign Policy is to brag always about how bad USA is, we bombed that and those or how the Israel is killing Palestine kids when we all know they are just smaller terrorists. And that NATO point is kinda revealing. Why they don’t want to join with EU to NATO, I mean 95% of Europe is in NATO after all…” Trump looked at the tab once more and continued ”… besides they don’t have oil, gas or anything else. Well, swamps and reindeers, but we have that also… And if I go to war for those nazies, there goes my popularity ratings. I can see the headlines… ’Trump killing our troops for Nazi Polar Bear killers’… Fucking Finns won’t drag me into that sewer! I’ll say let them burn. I got more money than those countries combined… personally.. ha ha hahaaa…” Putin laughed also ”Me too ha ha haa” and then they hug brotherly, gave few kisses and others clapped their hands like seals in the water park.

The new Secret Service agent arrived sweating like hell and breathing like a old vacuum cleaner. He went to the POTUS Trump and asked very carefully where the tablet with the Vikingcat information was. He lifted it from his lap and said ”Here, you can keep it. I can sign it for you… ha ha…”

”Well, sir, with all respect, there is a live periscope stream going out from this tablet. It has 280 million watchers and hundreds of TV channels are sending it out live. Also youtube is already full of clips and several major servers have failed cause of this.  I believe that helicopter on the horizon is Air Force coming to get you to safe, behind it is tens of news channel copters and… well, this is the shitstorm of the millennium, sir. Sorry sir.”

The last picture from that tab’s periscope stream was on every platform, every single newspaper, television, smartphone, thread, etc. They called it the ”Bigger than Big Bang” picture…

In that picture Vladimir Putin is shooting at the tablet and yelling ”Suka bljaat!” and Donald Trump is shooting Vladimir Putin shouting ”Fucking Donkey lover!”

Say no more. 😉

Tis is my own fiction. Yes, my english not perfect cause I’m a Finn by my nature. Perkele. 😉

 

 

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Welcome back to G8 Mr. Putin.

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